it's the time again that make me compare between time and happiness.
there are people:
who are feeling happy earning big bucks
who are feeling unhappy earning big bucks
who are feeling happy earning a meagre income
who are feeling unhappy earning a meagre income
who are feeling happy earning lilttle (just enough to survive)
who are feeling unhappy earning little (just enough to survive)
sometimes it depends if you have the life to enjoy certain degree of prosperity in your life.
or even, is your life meant to have certain prosperity level.
e.g will be like a person who keep wanting to earn enough to substain a luxury life. they worked damn hard etc to gain that amount of money but yet along the way, some things happen, they never have to life for it anymore.
i wish to keep myself level-headed.
i have dreams, goals even though is not big one.
i want my happiness to be a journey, not a destination.
i wish to feel what i want to feel
i wish to enjoy what i want to enjoy
i wish to love the way i want it to
i wish to have things happen the way i want it to. (it's all simple little things)
im a easily contented person.
i dont ask for much or even more.
i hope of a job that earns meagre income for savings and spending.
i hope for friends whom i care and love to go through my life with me.
i hope to feel happy through my journey of life.
is there actually a work place whereby makes you feel like home?
my ideas might be old-fashioned but i love work environment that makes one feel home.
everyone is helping each other out,
no individual internal challenges for survival,
no gossipings, no backstabbing, no underhands,
where you sweat and bleed together.
we eat together what we can afford at that moment.
this is my ideal working place.
but i guess, the only word that i will receive will be "dream!"
being in this current work place makes me realised i am never cut-out for sales.
i abhor the stress i am getting.
i abhor the fighting for survive game.
i hate having to speak for the sake of it.
i hate to follow rules and regulations.
the above reasons would be more than enough for me to step into sales job if i ever were to leave here which i forsee happening soon in time to come.
my initial thoughts was just to stay on and help out as it's patricia who pull me in.
at first i thought, there's a friend in there working so it wont be so out of place and lonely.
god knows why, soon after i came, she got to leave.
one by one leaving and all i can think of it just to stay on and "help" out.
afterall there's nothing to lose and they were short-handed and also thinking cant just leave like that.
seems to have no loyalty (anywhere i goes, loyalty will be one of the traits i see myself to) to abandon the group just like that.
another main reason is not wanting to see someone so stress and feeling helpless over such situation. a person more is better than a person less. (since then already thinking in the sense that i can be there for that person at least. cannot leave the person in lurch.)
slowly time passed, new people comes and go.
everything had become a routine.
it just goes round and round..
there is a batch that i like alot.
where everyone is like brothers and sisters.
during that period of time, the "survivor" game is the harmless.
no, i dont even call it survivor game, more of a "brotherhood" game.
too bad, good times dont last.
that was also one of the better months.
next was my motivator.
it was never never easy.
i get distracted most of the times.
i emo more than often.
i see myself looking kind of lost.
it is getting harder and harder to be optimistic.
yes, work is still work.
body is moving, hands are typing, work as per normal.
what seems wrong is the inner self.
the initial concept already started is a different way.
so it ended up with "what's the point now"
things are stagnant now.
in fact i used to be yearning to come to work.
i feel happy everyday regardless of what happen.
even the sky drop i can treat as nothing happen.
that's when you have a friend with you at work,
things are definately not the same.
things are definately not the same now too.
it just that all the things i used to feel goes on a reverse side.
sometimes it feel like the world had toppled upside down.
some might say i am too extreme but different people had different perspective and different way of feeling things.
and this is the way i feel. accept it or not.
what matters to me, REALLY extremely matters.
what doesnt, REALLY extremely doesnt.
i am a See-Saw which you will see it only falling on one side.
time will heal?
time will only numb the feelings you gone through
time will only leave scar after hurts
time will only provide you the end results
but never heal.
it gets a little annoying to be speaking people's language most of the times.
it gets a little depressing when there's no one to really talk to in office.
it gets a little taxing to force yourself for focus and concentration.
it gets a little frustrating to see yourself living through motion.
it gets a full lots of shit to feel upside down.
can someone slap me upside down and wake me up?
i dont wish to trap in this bloody emotions roller-coaster.
it is quite hard for me to snap out of it once im stuck.
i am losing control of how to handle myself.
sigh forget it.
thinking im purely emo-ing.
drained.
fuck it man.
can my feelings go abit more simplified?Labels: awakening, ramblings