sometimes i feel that im always battling within myself.
the angel and devil in me are always fighting against one another.
i prefer to be obligated by rules and regulations
yet at times i want to break the max out of them.
i am very conservative and traditional person
yet the way i speak and behave doesnt justify.
im so weak inside most of the times
yet i appeared to be rather strong.
i am a very sad and depressive person
yet people who mixed around with me dont think so.
i yearn to be loved
yet i shown to be not needing at all.
i am lonely inside
yet others see me as full of friends.
all in all,
im so not what i appear to be.
alvin told me before,
i need to learn to love myself before i could love others
but i realise
i only love myself after i love others.
at times i dont understand why people like to catagorise the different type of likes
when one says " i like (fill in the blanks)."
must all the liking for a person to be catagorise so specifically
before one can claim that he/she likes he/she?
really wonders big time.
to me, liking a person is as simple as ABC.
pure likings, no differentiation, no catagorising, no nothing. just LIKE!
to like a person is...
to make the person feels happy
to provide company, comfort
to double your joys
to bring happiness
whatever effort one puts in
the main reason is to see the one u like smile.
even to the extent i could be hurt till heart bleed like nobody business,
as long as i still be able to provide simple bliss, even a tinge of it
i'll still be hanging around and stay contented.
but there are also times i dont understand
why people who just give their whole heart out (unconditionally)
yet get hurt every now and then.
dont they deserve for the other party to just be a little bit nicer?
or is it the other party had take them for granted that
they dont really bother if they feel hurt?
no expectations = no disappointment
but when you put your whole heart in, definitely you will expect something.
for me, my 100% out, i only expect a maximum of 50% in.
that's the maximum i'll expect from a person, as more than usual, i only got 10-30% input.
sigh..
that's also the reason why,
i always wonder, why am i being nice to people for?
to let people to take advantage of?
im usually very generous to my friends.. my loved friends.
quite generous with better friends outside my comfort zone.
yet times and again i met black sheep that break the faith i've been trying to build for people outside my comfort zone
i think humans are getting disappointing, more and more disappointing.
the reason why i hate going to adult world because i've to be consistently beware of 'unaccountable' kind of different people.
i hate to be on my guard
i hate to second thoughts people's words
i hate to be wearing a mask everyday
i hate to entertain for the sake of it
i hate to be taken advantage of
i hate to have more responsibilities
i hate to be treated like a fool/clown
most of all, i hate having to trust and distrust restrictedly.
i have the tendency to trust people easily
how i wish i can be non-chalant to all things.
i dont know if it's my pms that's acting up
but im feeling very depress everyday.
nothing could really cheers me up.
even looking at silly and roro's pic isnt helping.
i think the depressive situation is worse than ever.
suddenly i feel....
so empty...Labels: awakening