so fast it's been 8 going to 9mths im there.
if you were to ask if i've been through alot, i would probably say nothing much.
afterall it's just purely work. a standard routine that everyone has to live with.
oh..
definitely i've learn how to better sweet talk others and strengthen my old beliefs as times goes by. there's also some traits which actually got worsen.
my tempers get shorter
my patient get lesser
my tolerance get lower
my criticality get higher
suddenly i feel lousier and more loser than ever.
i really think i'll lose myself in time to come. it's like wearing a mask everyday. im getting tired.
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liked knew u for almost 6mths.
frm the day it started till now, everyday is just like confirming the assumed facts i had of you when u created an impression. you are the most uncertain person i ever met or maybe i just still doesnt have enough faith on humans to start with.
im the least adventurous person.
i prefer to stay in a comfort zone with mostly already known facts.
im not one who changes my beliefs easily.
you broke some of my rules, created an exception.
to have a person with such low faith etc to have a solo venture on smth new, at the start was really painstaking. imagine for a person like me to handle all kinds of wry wits and sarcasms, seriously, i dont know how i manage to pull it through. never me to be able to handle such. im surprised myself.
im sensitive
im emo
im easily hurt
im fear-full
im selective
and to trying to know you, it almost like digging my own grave. it might sound abit too extreme but it varies on individual character.
how to describe that feeling at that moment?
FEAR, uncertainty, worry, lost, scare.. lots more.
most importantly, the way u always "seems close" to people which actually instill some or shld say alot of fear in me. i've never know you before here. i dont know what u're like. i've no idea wads the real you, fake you, trying to be nice you. my main concern of fear is, i might just be one of those "seems close" people you are talking to which i DEFINITELY dont want to be! usually when i have a certain load of fear, i'll retreat and for you, i feel the fear and do it anyway though at the back of my heart, fear is still there. i've already tried to surpress all the fears i had then and now.
but yes of coz, i already treated you like a close friend of mine since then. it had always been until now even though i might have say or msg you some weird things that might be a little offensive to you. im very sorry about that. i really have bad handling of emotions. hope you dont take it to heart. most times i dont mean it. i've lots of different catagories of friends, buddy, close friends, good friends, smoking buddy, lunch buddy etc etc... to be named close friend and exception that means you're of some importance, not for fun.
what can i say.. sometimes i talk big is becoz i want to cover up my fear, uncertainty, worries etc.. but believe me when i say, im true.. sincere..
the appreciation in the email part is still vaild...
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going to work is like friends making sessions to me.
it just let me understand different kind of humans more.
understanding people at the snap of my fingertips is just wad i love to do.
however im getting tired of doing so.
it wears me out, tear me down.
sigh. really really... wanna close up...
stop believing, stop trusting, no hoping, no wishing, quit thinking, quit listening.Labels: ^roro, momentous