sometimes i feel myself losing the grip.
sometimes i feel myself out of control.
sometimes i feel myself so emotional.
sometimes i feel.....
myself almost wanting to just give up.
i've yet to start doubting myself again
but seeing the rate it's running
perhaps, soon.
spoke to Kel ley.
told him i doubt abt my capabilities when he as a newbie
can actually bring in numbers at days i cant.
and he agreed.
seeing the rate i started at the beginning of this mth
seeing the rate i ran at the end of the mth
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?!
---
im upset becoz of my numbers.
i really tot im gonna get 0 at the end day.
im upset becoz of what is happening.
it SHLDNT or CANNOT happen to me.
im upset becoz of how i reacted to your harmless joke.
it not the right way to respond and im disappointed.
im upset becoz of what u commented abt the min target.
no one actually take it as a joke, esp me n LL.
the very reason why i get so upset abt the min thing becoz
that comment discredit us for our efforts put in and the seriousness we see it as.
it's as though u are trying to say this to us
:"u think u're here to sit and have fun?"
- thats frm worker's point of view.
but i also know...
if T isnt happy with the results and with min not hit
she can happily just say
:"Get rid of them!"
which in turn i believe u can do nth abt it when she's serious.!
the anger is a sign of fear and anxiety of losing anyone right?
thus that comment.
- thats frm your point of view.
but i believe...
though min target is impt and nt there for fun
one shld be judged on overall performance instead of one subject.
overall performance is the most critical
to judge if the person's a worker or a player.
so i believe, if one is a business-minded person
shld be able to see that clearly and make good judgements.
---
my knuckle pain like fuck! swollen n red!
the guys are nice enough to let me hit.
it vented out all that was trapped in my heart through pain.
i feel the relief at the end of it
even though the pain is like WTF!!
=))
---
it's no doubt, subconsciously, u created an invisible stress on me.
it's more of how to answer to you than myself.
it isnt your fault though but some times it just crippled me.
(it's especially why i dont like to befriend bosses.)
tested and proven, u matters much more than stress itself.
u always make me open up myself totally.
somehow i hate and love that!
hate becoz i dont hv things to keep to myself. (makes me feel bare)
love becoz i can open up to u like nobody's business. =)
but.. really thanks for those that you did and didnt do.
appreciate that!
i ever out of the blue sent u a "u keep me going" msg.
whether you give a thought abt it or not
and yes,
u're the one that keep me going.
u're the one that keep me motivated.
u may think it's stupid and nonsensical for all you want.
u may think it's like some worker trying to bootlick or whatsoever.
believe or not is up to u.
---
im tired. i need more peace and zzz
Lord, please give me that!
and to Her too! =)
thank you!Labels: ^roro, momentous, ramblings